Scary times for J and I. Bad crap has been happening. After a dramatic few days, J was finally readmitted against her will to a mental health ward (assessment/containment; the monitors are from when we were in A&E) There’s almost too much to go into here. Again there was a struggle and delay in getting her onto a modern, safe ward. But even when the staff are nice/human I still don’t understand why they talk to her a certain way, like she’s a naughty school girl. She’s depressed and in a lot emotional pain and they seem to think she can just switch off the suicidal thoughts. Even if the diagnosis was correct, it’s like institutional racism. Every piece of history is used against her, no responsibility is taken by the service for flaws in the treatment (or lack of) they provide. Imagine if every part of your being was already a mixture of painful feelings of guilt and desperate apologies because you feel you don’t deserve help but then you were expected to not blame yourself whilst being told that all actions are down to your own choosing, and that all you have to do is to decide not to do things. Imagine trying to take your life repeatedly because the intensity of those feelings is too great, the depression overwhelms you, the OCD and anxiety cripples you, only to be told that you are not actually suicidal, and that you can decide not to self harm or try to kill yourself. Imagine being that person’s partner, who, when trying to prevent catastrophic events you have to physically fight with them and call the police, only for it later to be implied that you are complicit in this illusory dance of attention seeking. It’s like the professionals switch off the empathy and sympathy and “tough love” is the only way forward, and this is before they read the aging notes and ask you what /you/ think the problem might be.
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