5 a.m. Thoughts

Written last night and posted to Tumblr. Own thoughts.

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5am. I can’t sleep. This is so stupid. Part of me getting closure on J’s previous admission at the Bradgate MH Unit is for me to write up a sort of review or summary for the NHS Choices website. I think about all of the crap unnecessary things that happened and I get so wound up that I can’t sleep. 

Maybe we should have gone to a civil court about the doctor who walked her to the road when she was suicidal. Why didn’t we complain about every lie/backtracking the matron and doctors said? For every time a doctor and the hospital pharmacy fucked up the prescription in the stupid dispensing computers that took two days to set right? Because we were exhausted and didn’t want to rock the boat. 

Here I am now shouting into a digital paper bag, knowing that this might all be erroneous, because we’ve clearly feel that we’ve been wronged and are therefore biased. Why should you sympathise with a man who sympathises with the arsonists. I want to tear it all down, burn out the failed self congratulatory institutions, but the touch paper (torch paper?) is soaked in the blood of those that have died in the grey areas beyond responsibility or blame. Crap. Crap metaphors. I’m trying to be honest, but anger brings out horrible imagery. Cold fucking bastards.

What’s the point of “raising awareness” around mental health if the professionals themselves are so jaded and crippled by petty misunderstanding and received wisdom of negative diagnosis short-hand? Why ask for help when bigotry pervades the supposed safe places?

Hope for a better tomorrow is not enough. Hope of small improvements and gradual change is not a comfort after being slowly dragged through so much crap. But we’re too sore to make balanced reasonable suggestions, such as “perhaps A&E might be disorientating for a person in crisis” when some poor fucker who has been slashed with broken glass is screaming and swearing the place down next to an elderly lady having a minor stroke and all the drunks too stupid not to fight …

Also in the case of the LPT I don’t believe it’s just about funding. It’s like we’re blind to incompetence when we sadly look to the ground and mutter about how terrible it is for the NHS. Maybe they need to be honest, give up the contract even. Maybe we need to go elsewhere. I really don’t know anymore. It’s like all the babysitters have criminal records, but we have to be broad minded or something.

Fuck it. It’s like fixing a drain in a deluge.