J keeps notes online in passworded area in a forum. This is what she wrote last night about her suicide attempt after being told she could leave the ward. Names have been omitted.
"Not entirely sure what happened today - tried to leave the ward - was distraught at being stopped (it's a locked ward) - sat by the door for nearly 2 hours with staff taking alternative route on and off ward via a meeting room. Dr D__ (my consultant) was teaching and wasn't going to be free til 4:30pm. Another doctor (called S__) spent ages read my notes and him and the lovely ward matron J__ talked to me in the meeting room after a while (Will had arrived to visit me by then so was also present). After lots of talking, none of which I can now remember, Dr D__ (who had arrived) said she felt it would be counter-productive to section me and I must make the decision to stay or go by myself. Of course, that is what I had been waiting for - in my head she had just said "you can go" - I asked them to unlock the door, I vaguely remember something being said about packing my stuff and I said none of it mattered, then I walked off the ward, by chance, got through security doors when other people with pass cards went through them, got out to reception and left the building. Suddenly realised Dr D was a few paces behind me, as was matron J__ and Will. Apparently the police had been called, not sure by who or what they had been told. I just kept pushing forward, determined and freezing cold (only wearing slippers and seclusion gown). At the main road, the A50, the traffic was busy. Dr D stood a metre or two into the road, waving cars to go into the next lane. Will and Jo were holding me, making me stay on the pavement, then out of nowhere another couple of nurses from another ward turned up and helped form a human barrier in front of me. Dr D called the police again, and then they turned up. I was so cold and confused and exhausted and couldn't see any other thing to do, than to let Will and the police walk me slowly to their car and put me in the back (2 policemen, 1 policewoman). Dr D and J__ and the other nurses and police woman went back into the hospital through the gap in the fence/shortcut while the two policemen drove me and Will further down the road to the main hospital entrance and through the grounds to the Bradgate reception. I sat down, Will stayed with me, J__ went to find me a wheelchair, and the police seemed to be having some kind of argument with Dr D although I don't know what about, I felt sort of in shock. I still do."
"N__, one of my named nurses, is in charge of the night shift and she came to see me in my room, to talk and give me night time meds. I cried and kept apologising, and she kept saying there were no need for any sorrys, and she was relieved to see me alive. She also said it IS possible to recover from this level of depression, and she's not giving up on me, and I will not be hurt in any way on her watch. Then she supervised me making a cup of tea (not allowed in patients' kitchen without a nurse present after my attempted ligature suicide with j-cloths stolen from there). Then, lastly, she said if I need her at all, she is here for me, just go and tell her. "
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