Own mental health

I think I've made a mistake.  I felt extremely down whilst I was unwell with a stomach bug a couple of days ago.  Throwing up always compounds feelings of isolation for me.  

Suddenly all sorts of very dark thoughts seem to make logical sense, when given a few days grace they seem more like delerious shadows.  I had been so knocked back by J's let downs in the hospital, possibly because whenever things don't go right they make me reflect on all the other bad experiences she's had as a patient (and I, vicariously, as her partner and carer). I didn't want her to suffer any more.  I was (maybe am) pretty unhappy with where I am in life and the only real responsibility I have is to her cat, Lucy.  I made a list in my head of people who could possibly take Lucy in, which would then allow J and I to take our lives together, thus ending her suffering (and mine). I would try never to leave her alone, and I know that this looks like a suicide pact.  This idea isn't in my head all of the time, but it does emerge partially formed when things are dark.  Like J, I never think of physically running away, for some reason my brain short circuits to the darkest thoughts, but they are merely a negative coping strategy. I.e. I wouldn't have to worry about next week if I was dead.

Somehow and at some point I revealed this to J, not as a plan, but as an example of how low I was feeling and how askew my view of the world (and her treatment) was.  It's difficult for me to get help from the local NHS because they are the ones who have fucked up so much in my personal and professional life (ex drop-in worker).  Naturally J is worried about me and has shared this with the nurses (I didn't want to add to her pain, because I'm meant to be her "rock").  Anyhow, I'm worried now that this will all confuse issues, rather than solidify the provision of any extra support (which doesn't exist).  The mistake is that they might think I'm a sort of danger around J, when in fact the act of giving away Lucy (the cat) is hard enough, the idea of my own suicide came out of a moment of frightened lonliness, which is not the same as when I am with J (when we look out for each other).

I'll find people to talk to, after all, even though I felt a little put off at a recent meeting, this is what the Rethink Carer's Support have said they are there for.

Edit/postscript: I've now called someone from Rethink and made an informal appointment in the next few days to chat and offload.